Diary of Lyle Or Is It Larry?
by BlueWhitney
Summary: No one can take that much neglect without cracking, and Lyle is no exception. Herein he chronicles his love of weed, his experimentation with tights, and the forging of one unholy alliance. Rated for language and general weirdness.
1. Chapter 1

**Monday:**

Mom took my license. Something about a test, I think. God, I don't know. I am soooo baked. I looked over at Mr. Muggles a while ago, and it looked like he was trying to tell me something. I got down on the floor and stuck my ear up near his mouth, but I still couldn't hear him, so I tried reading his lips for about ten minutes till I remembered I'd given him some peanut butter (I was eating it straight from the jar with a big wooden spoon). So he wasn't really trying to talk. I'm telling you, though, those ten minutes fucked me up something fierce. I'm talking some seriously weird shit, man.

Oh, Super-Sister snuck some geek up into her room. I think maybe they're banging. How do like your Claire-bear now, Dad? Up there with her teddy bears watching . . .

Fuck, Mr. Muggles ran off with the spoon. Hey, just like the fork! And the cow jumped over the moon.

Aw, man I gotta write this shit down. This is gold. I'll be back.

**Monday:**

What the hell is this?? Buncha people running into the house, dressed in suits with guns and stuff. Haha, probably the statutory squad. Better get your geek out quick, Super-Sis.

God, WHERE IS MY SPOON??

**Monday:**

So apparently it wasn't Monday yesterday. But today is Monday, pretty positive.

So the shit hit the fan. Well, as much as it ever does when I'm involved, anyway. Mom found my stash jammed in between the jelly and the pancake syrup. Fuck if I know how it got there. When I checked my hiding place (under my sock drawer) I found the spoon taped there.

Pisses me off, man. I turned the whole damn house upside down looking for that damn spoon! Peanut butter all under the drawer, and I had a hellish time getting to my socks.

I'm looking at you, Mr. Muggles.

Anyway, I'm grounded, but I doubt anyone will notice if I skip out for a few hours. Or weeks.

**Entry 5:**

I don't know what day it is. I'm just gonna admit that right now. I know it's not the weekend, because I went to school.

What the hell is that about, anyway? Super-Sis is a drop-out, and damn if Daddy doesn't love her even more. She just sits around moping, cutting her fucking toes off and emo shit like that, or she's out fighting crime (*cough*nailingGeekBoy*cough*).

You know her other dad's a politician? I'm talking loaded, man. So on one hand she's got Scrooge MacDuck, right? And on the other she's got Papa Primatech, who lives to love her. You know who wants a piece of that sunshine? Fucking Lyle, that's who.

I swear to god I think they only conceived me (barf) because they thought maybe I'd come in handy as a human shield for Claire. Like I could ride in front in the stroller and take a hit if it came down to it. Now that she's all invincible, they don't know what the hell to do with me.

Aw, man. I'm gonna go cry on Mr. Muggles. I hope he doesn't hump me again. Why does he do that? I feel so violated.

**Entry:**

So I asked for my license back today, and Mom was like, "Oh, I lost it. Sorry." And she looked over and Claire, and I swear to god I saw a smile!

What the HELL, man??

It looked like Mr. Muggles was laughing at me, too, but I don't know. I guess he always looks like that. He's a dog.

**Monday****:**

Dad's home today, which means that somewhere in hell, the devil's gone sledding.

I met a guy today. Oh, man, that sounds sooo gay, ahahaha. But no, seriously. I was coming back from Alan's, and I met this dude, right? Creepy looking dude, looked like he drew his eyebrows in with a jumbo Sharpie. You remember that old lady down at the market, with her big fake eyeliner eyebrows? So it's like that, right? And he strolls up to me, and he starts chatting about "special" people and stuff. I guess he was collecting for some charity. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. But all of sudden he's talking about Super-Sister, asking weird shit like, "Does she ever mention me?"

And I'm like, "Look, man, sorry, I don't even know you."

And he looks at me all weird-like—freaky looking dude, by the way, eyebrows halfway up his forehead—and he's like, "You don't know who I am?"

And I'm like, "Naw, man, sorry."

So I guess that was really funny, or maybe he was stoned too, because he starts laughing. Weird guy, man. Creepy guy. Must be about fucking thirty-five, by the way. Claire-bear must like 'em older, because I swear to god, I think she's hitting that. Daddy's little girl, man, tell me about it. Ha ha ha ha! Wonder if Geek Boy knows. Come to think, I haven't seen Geek Boy since that night. When was that? Monday.

God, Super-Sis is a slut.

So anyway, Eyebrows finally got a grip and stuck his hand out. I started to pass him a J out of habit, but I didn't have one. So I shook his hand, totally clueless, right, and he goes, "Let's keep this conversation between you and me, uh—what is it, Larry?"

And I go, "Larry. Shit. Sure, man." So we shook on it, and he took off. I musta been pretty baked even then, because shit if it didn't look just like he just floated right across the street.

I was coming down by the time I got home, feeling kinda bitter, so I bust in the door and call out, "Larry's home!" And nobody even cared, man! Mom's sitting there doing a crossword, and she just mumbled something about "how was your day?" and Dad looks over all smiley and booms, "Larry!"

Son of a bitch, man!


	2. Chapter 2

**Entry 7:**

Look, you CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL ANYONE THIS.

Okay, so I tried on some tights today. I don't know whose they are. I guess Super-Sis's. I can't remember what led up to it. I kinda have a vague memory of writing about it while it was going on, but I musta ripped it out. The page before this one is gone. I think I smoked it. Anyhow, all of a sudden, I just realize I'm wearing tights, right? DO NOT TELL.

Thing is, they feel, I don't know, kind of nice. Like, right. Like I was looking at me in the mirror, and I start thinking, "You know what would go nice with that? Like a cape or something. A big flowing one."

Mr. Muggles saw me. Little shit was just standing there, staring, and I'm like, "What are you looking at, you never seen a guy in tights before??" I'm not scared of that, though. Fuck no, got him by his furry little balls, I'm telling you. Told him if he breathed so much as a single motherfucking word, I was switching his medicine up with god only knows what. Rat poison in your Kibbles, Muggles. You watch your step, or you fucking get ready for it.

**Tuesday:**

Saw Eyebrows again today, not far from the house. I was bicycling to Alan's.

Oh, real cute, by the way, you know how my license went "missing?" Well, I thought, okay, I'll just get my bike out till I get a new one, right?

It's fucking gone! Mom said it went for ten bucks at last summer's garage sale. Come on! Wonder how much she pawned my license for? But, hey, guess whose bike was still there? Can you crack that mystery, my friend?

So I'm riding to Alan's on a fucking pink bicycle, okay, and I pass up Eyebrows not too far from the house. He yells out, "Larry! Hey, LARRY!" a couple of times, because I didn't get that he was talking to me at first.

So I stopped and was like, "Oh, hey, man, how's the charity going?" And he's like, "Oh, yeah—it's—yeah." Then he asks, "How's your sister?" God, creepy-looking dude, especially when he talks about Super-Sis. So I'm like, "Oh, she's just fucking perfect!" real angry, yeah? He looked like he didn't know what to say, just raised one of his ginormous sharpie-brows. So we stood there for a few minutes, and that's when I notice he's got a camera with him. I point to it, and ask, "Whatcha photographing, birds or some shit?"

The dude turns beet red, I swear to god. He shifts the camera out of sight, and real quick goes, "So how's life treating you, Larry?"

Makes me sad, man. Fucking Larry. Shit. So I get back on my pink bike, and I'm like, "Not so good, dude. You ever feel so fucking unimportant you want to shoot shit up just so someone'll notice you?"

Eyebrows looks at me real intense-like--I mean, not like pervy intense, like about Super-Sis, but just intense--and then he grins and says, "Once upon a time, Larry," whatever the hell that means, and starts laughing again like he did the first day. Fucking weird guy, man. He seems cool, though. Like maybe you could hang with him, and he'd listen if you said something. I don't know.

**Tuesday:**

Forgot to mention something earlier.

I wore the tights under my jeans today. And I tied the sleeves of my hoodie around my neck, like a cape. When I hit the hill on the bike, the hoodie flew out behind me, and I felt like I was flying! Oh my god! You don't even know!!

**Entry:**

Well, fuck.

And fuck you, Mr. Muggles!

Aw, man. I don't even know what to write.

I got up today, and Super-Sis was in the kitchen telling Mom she had a pair of tights go missing. I can tell she's insinuating that maybe Mr. Muggles dragged them out somehow. And I look over at him, and our eyes lock, right? And it's like a battle of wills. I'm in one corner, going Don't you do it, man. Don't you fucking do it. I will mess you up. And then there's Mr. Muggles, and he's looking all laughy like he does, going, Oh, I'm gonna do it. You think you can hurt me? You can't do shit. Who're they gonna believe, you or the prizewinning pooch?

And I slam my fist down and yell out, "Fuck!" Because I'm wearing the tights again, right, and if this comes out, I am so screwed. I mean, really.

Mom and Super-Sis look over at me, startled, and Mom's all shocked, and she yells out, "You watch your mouth, mister!"

And shit, maybe she called me mister because she forgot my name, you know? Wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, all eyes are on me, and I panic, and I go, "What? You worried about tights, is that it? Tell you what you oughta be worried about, it's the fact that your precious Claire-bear is scewing around with some nut twice her age!"

Super-Sis looks real grossed out and shouts, "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

And I go, "Oh, you know damn well what I'm talking about! You and your fucking tights! Big dude's always asking about you--creepy guy, eyebrows out his ass! Ring a bell?"

She goes kinda go pale, and I'm thinking, Fuck yes! Larry's in the house! Take it, bitch!

But then all of a sudden they both just flip right the fuck out. I mean, it's total chaos, they're jumping around shrieking and flapping their arms, and I don't know what the hell to think. So I look over at Mr. Muggles, and he just sits there giving me this look like, Oh, nice going, assface.

Before I know it, Mom's got Dad on the phone, and when he gets here, they're nailing up windows and shit, getting out guns I didn't even know we had. Fucking firearms coming out of Captain Crunch boxes, man. And Dad's screaming at me, "That's Sylar! He's a killer!" And I'm like, "Who the hell is Sylar? Who's he killed?" And Dad's like, "God damn it, Larry! That's the bastard who cut Claire's head open!" So I'm like, "Well, don't you think maybe you shoulda given me a fucking description? Son of a bitch coulda cut my head open, for fuck's sake!"

At which point Super-Sis chimes in with, "Oh, like anyone's gonna cut your head open!"

And that was just it, man. Like I'm not even killable! I was just like, "You know what? Screw it. I'm outta here!"

And the look on Mr. Muggles face--I swear to god I'm never gonna forget it. He was like, Checkmate! Like all diabolical, you know? So I pointed my finger at him, and I leaned down, and I said, "I'm gonna get you for this, Muggles! If I gotta go to hell and back, if I gotta change my name and my face, if Lyle Bennet has to fucking die in the name of revenge, then so be it! I WILL GET YOU!"

I was fucking poetic, man. I mean, I was ablaze with fury when I ran out the door and jumped on my pink bicycle.

But now, I don't know, I just feel like shit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Monday:**

A new era has begun. Oh, man, how can I explain it to you?

I crashed at Alan's for a few hours after storming out. But it wasn't cool, because his girlfriend was there, and I felt like a total third wheel, right? So I took off, and I'm just peddling around, when who do you think I run into?

Eyebrows!

And he's like, "Larry! How's your sister? Hey, is she eighteen yet?"

I was so pissed, man. I think I didn't even care if he killed me. So I jump off my bike, right, and I fling it to the ground.

"You fucking lied to me!" I say. "Fucking charity, my ass, you kill people!"

So he looks surprised, and he holds up his palm, then waits a second and just says, "Look, Larry, I know you're angry. But not at me."

And I go, "Like hell I'm not! Do you know what kinda shitstorm is going on in my life right now because of you?"

He says, "Let's talk about this over a drink, okay? Like men. Just a couple of guys having a beer, okay? You know, I think we've got a lot in common."

And I don't know, I guess I figured, shit, he's willing to buy alcohol for a minor. Dude can't be all bad, right?

So ten minutes later we're sitting in some shithole bar--like, they don't even care that I'm obviously not 21. Which rocks, am I right? I so am. So Eyebrows takes off talking about how he knows what it's like being insignificant, knows how much it sucks and shit. Something about a clock and a snowglobe, I don't know, I think he was trying to pull off some kinda weird metaphor. Anyhow, just then he pulls his wallet out to buy another round for us, and all these photos spill out.

And I swear to god the dude has about a bajillion photos of Super-Sis in his wallet. And it's like, Super-Sis out on town. Super-Sis coming out of a comic book shop. Super-Sis in her fucking bedroom. 

And I can't help it, I go, "Dude, what the fuck??"

And he blurts out, "Oh, my god, Larry, I have a problem!" As if it needed to be said. But he's all humiliated, trying to scoop up the photos. And I could be weirded out--I mean, it's fucking weird as shit, right? And that's not even taking his eyebrows into account. But I just break down.

"Aw man," I groan. "Me too. I got fucking problems, too, man. Shit, you think I'm gonna judge you? I'm wearing tights!"

And he's like, "Tights? What?"

And I'm like, "Oh, god, don't even ask, Eyebrows."

And he says, "It's Sylar, Larry," all miserable-like.

And I go, "Lyle."

And he goes, "Who?"

And I say, "Aw, fuck it, never mind. You can call me Larry. I'm nobody, anyway. Anybody calls me anything, I oughta be grateful, man."

He says, "Hey!" and he grabs my arm and says, "Don't do that. I used to do that. You want to know why I started killing people, Larry? Because it made me somebody. Now look at me. I travel around carving people open, and in my free time I stalk a teenage girl who won't give me the time of day. I was better off fixing watches. Well--no, that's taking it too far. But still."

I'm like, "Still what, man? You shoulda seen them back home. I been there my whole life, they barely know I exist. You come up in passing, and bang, they go fucking nuts!"

He looks kinda happy. "Yeah?" he asks, and I'm like, "Totally." So he goes, "What about Claire? I mean, I know she was upset, but did you get a good look at her face? I mean, underneath it all, maybe she was sort of flattered?" I go, "Uh, I don't know. Maybe." Just because Eyebrows looks so damn hopeful. Poor deluded motherfucker.

Anyhow, all of a sudden, it hits me, this fucking great idea. Like, it all comes together! And the tights finally make sense! So I slug him in the arm.

"Aw, man! Oh my god!" I'm like freaking out it's such a good idea, you know? "Dude! Sylar! Listen! I want to be the Robin to your Batman, man!"

And he looks kinda confused, so I'm like, "Dude, come on! We would rock as a duo! I swear to god! Look, I get that I don't have superpowers. I mean, trust me, I grew up around Wonder Girl, right? I get it. But whatever I lack in that area, I make up for in being totally pissed off at the world!"

He sorta considers it and says, "Well, that is an important factor, but . . . Look, Larry, I'm not the goddamn Batman, okay? I'm the Joker. I'm worse."

And I'm like, "You think I give a shit? I want it, man! I want people to quake in their boots when they hear the name Larry Bennet! Lyle! Whatever."

"You really want that?" Like he can't understand it. "It's not just something you can turn on and off, Larry. It's not like a day job, where you go home afterwards. You can never go home. The life you have now won't exist anymore."

"Good!" I say, and I mean it. Man, do I mean it. "Screw home, and screw my life. I'm sick of this shit." Super-Sis and her fucking teddy bears, man. No one ever brought me a teddy bear. I never got so much as a "My Dad Went To Russia To Fuck Shit Up And All I Got Was This Sorry-Ass Tee-Shirt," you know?

But anyhow, what it comes down to, is me and Eyebrows are teaming up! Because I was like, "Look man, if I'm your partner and shit, I mean, fuck, you'll practically be related. Super-Sis, I mean Claire, she'll be thinking about you all the time!" And he looked like maybe he was thinking about it, and he was like, "I guess you're right. And I do like having somebody handy to watch me show off." And I was like, "Yeah, man, I'm all about that! You rock, man! Also tights!"

And he goes, "Wait, tights?"

And I say, "Oh my god, totally! You are gonna fucking love tights, man! I can't believe you never thought of it! Okay, dude, first thing, we're going straight to Alan's, right? And he's gonna hook us up. Then we're going to my house--"

And he's like, "Will Claire be there?"

And I'm like, "Sure, whatever, man. So we'll go there, and we're gonna raid her bedroom, get all her tights!"

Eyebrows looked at me like I was nuts, but underneath I could tell he was digging it. So finally he's like, "Okay. Let's do it."

And we shake on it. And it's like BAM, I'm a total villain, man. I get chills, right? Oh my god. I can just see my future unfolding in front of me, and it is SO AWESOME.

So then I'm like, "Yeah, but we can't do it tonight, because they're waiting for you. Like with guns and shit. You know Dad pulled a fucking sniper rifle outta my fucking mattress? I coulda shot myself in my sleep!"

And Eyebrows says, "Just as well. I need to get more film for my camera, anyway. And we need something to carry Claire's panties in."

And I'm like, "Tights, man."

And he goes, "Tights. Right. That's what I meant. Don't correct me, Larry."

So I'm all, "Hey, man, you're the boss." For now, sucker. Gotta build up some evil street cred before I go solo. Gotham-style, man. Oh my god, they are gonna rue the day!!

But anyhow, I'm pretty cool with Eyebrows right now. I mean, he's a cool dude and all. I wonder if he likes pot brownies?

**Monday:**

The raid went over pretty good. Not great.

Eyebrows wanted to go at night, something about stealth. So we float up to Super-Sis's window, right? We fucking FLOAT. Nuts, man. That part was cool. I mean, he was floating me, but still, you know? So we get in, and Super-Sis is sleeping, and we're raiding her dresser and shoving it all this big sack. And it's going all smooth and everything, and we're getting ready to go, like I'm already perched on the window-sill in my tights, right? And also in this face mask I made out of a sweat-band. I cut some eyeholes in it. Looks fucking sweet on me. Hell yeah! But then the flash on Eyebrows' camera starts going off, and of course that wakes up Super-Sis. So she starts screaming, and Eyebrows is all like, "Claire, I love you! I've always loved you!"God. Poor guy.

So Super-Sis reaches over on her nightstand and gets all up in her lampshape and pulls out this pistol. Like, god, is there anywhere Dad didn't hide a gun? And she screams, "MOTHERFUCKER!" and starts shooting at Eyebrows, so he snaps a couple more pictures and grabs me, and we take off just as Mom and Dad bust in. And of course no one's all, "Watch your mouth, missy" to Super-Sis, god no.

So we got away, because we are total bad asses, and Eyebrows asks, "Do you think Claire looked happy to see me?" And I'm like, "I don't know, man, she was shooting at you." And he says, "I think maybe she's just playing hard-to-get."

But yeah, we got the tights. And some of her underwear, too, somehow. But whatever.

I feel alive, man. Like I'm totally somebody. I look at myself in my tights and my mask, and I'm like, aw man, I don't even know how to say it. Like I'm proud of me for the first time ever.

So anyhow, I need to make some notes. Larry's making plans, bitches.

**Notes to Kick-Ass Villain Self:**

One. Get cape. This is top priority.

Two. Convince Eyebrows to try on tights. I don't get why he won't or how come he doesn't want me to stand too close to him when I'm wearing them. He's a supervillain! Tights are fucking standard issue, man!

Three. Convince Eyebrows to find a girlfriend. Dude needs it bad. Cool guy, but creepy, man. Gotta fix that shit.

Once I accomplish the above, I'm gonna move onto my first real order of business as a villain:

Four. Settle the score with Mr. Muggles.

I swear to god, Muggles, of all the people who are going to rue, you will rue the hardest.


End file.
